Wednesday, September 14, 2011

I want...


“Tell me:  what do you want?”

The prompt from this week’s post has stared back at me for a good ten minutes now.  Such a simple question, right? And I could give you simple answers.

I want my homework to be done. I want to eat chocolate {it’s been nine months since I had any}. I want to go play basketball. But, I feel like that’s not really what the question is asking. Okay, that’s fine. I can give you bigger answers.

I want to travel the world.  I want to write a book. I want to learn to play the guitar. I want to fall in love, get married and have babies.

I want to feel beautiful. I want other girls to feel beautiful. I want every girl who has ever felt ugly to know there is a God who made her exactly the way she is—wonderfully complex—and that He thinks she is marvelous.  I want them to stop listening to anyone who tells them otherwise.

I also want a job that I love, one that changes lives, one that furthers His Kingdom.  I want to know what on earth that job could possibly be. I don’t want to wait for that job. I want to do Kingdom work now. I want to know how.

This is what I want. In A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, Miller tells us that a story is about a character who wants something and has to overcome something to get it. So, I’ve got a good start, right? I want something.  Or some things, really.  Which brings me to the prompt's next question:

“How have you changed in the past month?”

Ha.  Another simple question.  This calls for some more simple answers.

My hair is longer. My pants are a little tighter.  My face is clearer. Again, probably not what it’s asking.

Me, this summer, with my beautiful friend Katlyn at the lake.  This summer was a lot about waiting,
but also a lot about changing. 
But for real, this summer I’ve really been praying a lot for these wants or “desires” God has placed on my heart. Psalm 37:4 says, “Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” And, though I’ve felt a lot like Miller this summer—writing my story more than actually living it, I look back and see how God has been working in me these past couple months so that I can one day obtain these “desires.”

Mostly, this change can be seen in my stress—or lack there of it. It’s not that I’m any less busy than previous years, it is just that I’m a lot less worried about it. My obsessive need for total control over my life is something that God and I have conversed about on too many occasions to count. And I can’t sit here and tell you that I always relinquish that control now. But I can say that I’m slowly and surely learning to trust God with all areas of my life, and I can see a big difference.

Secondly, this change can be seen in my self-image. I stepped on the scales the other day and saw that I had gained back half of the weight I had lost over the summer. And, the funny thing is, this fact has probably crossed my mind only a handful of times since. Last semester, I would have been obsessing over it. But, I still feel comfortable and healthy, and that’s what’s most important to me right now. {Wow, it feels funny to say that and actually mean it.}

My need for control and negative body image are just a couple of the obstacles in my story that I have to overcome to get what “I want.” Good thing I have the Ultimate Author writing my story. He knows these challenges and is constantly shaping, molding and "changing" me so with His help, I can overcome.

Psalm 37, mentioned before, goes on to say in verses 23 and 24, “The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand.”

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