Sunday, October 30, 2011

better go and get your armor


I yelled at God the other day. I was running along the path around campus and my shins started hurting to the point I could no longer ignore them, and I just stopped. I stopped and yelled at God.

I told Him it was unfair. Unfair that I had gained back every pound lost this summer. Unfair that my body couldn’t even handle one measly two-mile run. Unfair that I watched others eat whatever they wanted while I feasted on salads and sandwiches. Unfair that once again my clothes no longer fit. Unfair that no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t be content with how I looked.

And when I was done screaming at the sky, I did something I rarely ever do. I cried.

I’m telling you this not because my yelling did any good. In fact, it didn’t even make me feel better. I’m telling you this because in some ways I feel accountable to tell you.

I was reading earlier posts, and often times I make it sound like this journey has been all sunshine and rainbows. That every day I just wake up and love myself. When in reality, I put on my armor the very moment I wake up in the morning and prepare myself for a daylong battle with my insecurities.

But after I was done yelling, done crying and done exercising my body to the point of exhaustion, I regained my reason and took a step back from the situation. Why have I landed on my butt right in the middle of rock bottom? When did I start to fall? Where is my heart?

It was one of the few tasks that is easier done than said. It didn’t take long to analyze my priorities from the past couple weeks. Somewhere along the way I had gotten so absorbed in homework-doing, exercise-scheduling, calorie-counting and relationship-building, that I once again found God in the backseat.

I have a pretty simple strategy for gauging the status of my relationship with God. It involves one question: What is God teaching me today?

If I can’t come up with an answer, then I know my connection is faulty. Needless to say, this time I had no answer.

If there is one thing I have learned on this journey, it’s that I can’t do this without God. Just like weight-loss, a healthy body image doesn’t happen in a day. It’s a process. And it’s a process that only happens when God’s continually pouring into your life.

Come Thy Fount of Every Blessing is possibly one of my favorite hymns. Robert Robinson could not have put my feelings into words any better.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it.
Prone to leave the God I love.
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it.
Seal it for Thy courts above.

If I ever want to get out of this slump, my Only Hope is pretty clear. Lord, bind my wandering heart to Thee.

Once you were like sheep
      who wandered away.
   But now you have turned to your Shepherd,
      the Guardian of your souls.

~1 Peter 2:25

2 comments:

  1. Jenny, I love this :)
    Thank you for being open and vulnerable. Your story is a great reminder to me.

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  2. Jenny... I love reading your blog.
    God has blessed you and your words are impacting my life, as well as many others I'm sure.
    I love knowing you and although we don't see each other, you are a blessing to my life. I hope you know how encouraging it is to see you pour yourself out before the Lord and before anyone willing to read and be so genuine with your words.

    You're a wonderful woman and sister in Christ!

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